the sad skin lady

While centuries have gone by with men looking at women and producing "art" or "pornography"...in the case, of classical nudes, it was both at the same time! In a post-feminist daze, I believed that it was finally over. Men could look at women, women could look at men, we could look at ourselves and in the this culture of visual equality, there was no longer any scopophilic domination. And then I found myself watching skin commercials on TV...all those anxious women tugging at their eye lines, their laugh lines. Did we take the gaze back just to turn it on ourselves? If we look in the mirror, do we replicate the sad skin woman?

Conversations

"Conversations"

I thought that we would talk
Like we always do.
Inconsequential chatter,
High-sounding dead-end phrases.
Instead I find myself,
Confronted with an alien language.
The mind assaulted
By a barrage of undecipherable ciphers.
You seem to spin around yourself
A web of ideas like a defensive spider.
And I am scared to come in.
Frightened because I do not comprehend
Your words, your thoughts, your signs.
It breaks my easy complacency;
Shatters the illusion of harmony;
Face to face with a stranger
Who I thought was a friend.

election fever

I know that I have no voting rights in United States. I am not even a permanent resident for crying out loud! But everytime an election comes around, I get involved despite my best attempts to not let that happen. This time I'm rooting for Obama. He's smart, he's articulate and it'll be a first time that this country will not have a white man as a president. If it were any woman other than Hillary, my loyalties would've been split. I think I don't want Hillary as the president because it would be like having Billl Clinton back in office and playing puppet master. But then again maybe it's just because I don't like her face! She never makes eye contact with people she's talking to and she's too gaurded in that terribly WASPy way! All she talks about is her politics without ever rooting it i her personal experiences or convictions. Now, Obama is a different cup of tea! He connects with people, he expresses his ideas with the full force of his personality behind it and he is able to think through complex issues without making intellectual bargains. Some may say that he's a better performer but I guess the Democrats could do with some dynamism after Al Bore oops Gore. This time, I hope the best man wins.

scattered alphabet

eyes swell and subside
laughter flows from the quill
when did living become overkill?
schedule time to kiss, to hold, to breathe
schedule pain too

outside the window
into the green and yellow void
life's scattered alphabet
creates a routine
of expectations and dreams
fading at the seams

aaaah chai, tea, cha, even tea latte...so many names and so many forms but completely essential to the existence of civilization. But for this tea, we would all want to kill the person who drones on in front of us or turn the frenzy on ourselves! Tea allows us the comfortable, slurpy silence. It makes the inanity of social banter bearable, even pleasurable. The bengalis have made tea drinking and conversation almost ritualistic. "Adda" is synonymous with penurious surroundings and the completely disjunctive, highly intellectual exchange of ideas. Where would Alexander Pope's world of intricate faux pas and delicate morals be without the ornate china tea sets to give it a beautiful center? In fact, one can tell that a person has completely given up the desire for any human company when s/he gives up drinking tea!

Introduction to Poetry

"I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means."

-- Billy Collins

holy matrimony!

Indian marriages are insane. Period. There are no ifs and buts about it. There is no joining of souls and soulful gazing into each other's eyes while reading self-composed vows like American sitcom characters do. There is a lot of watery eye contact with the priest's eyes as he chants the mantras while you try your level best to turn your head at strange angles to avoid the "holy" smoke. One doesn't exchange rings and swear to live and die together. Rather, at least in Bengali weddings, the bride's father puts the ring on the groom's finger....and only death shall part the father and son in law! You look around trying to spot a familiar face but you don't see anyone because, well, they are all busy running around, getting everything right for the three hundred people who you really don't know and will probably never meet again in your life. In short, after having fed on all that fluffy western romance, getting married in India is like a hearty kick to your mental backside! You realize that weddings are not romantic, they are not meant to be. They are public events of gargantuan proportions that remind you that your getting married is a social fact. Everybody's involved and interested and there is no escaping it. There is no riding away into the sunset. To a certain extent, the winter smog in Delhi pretty much kills the sunset but largely because those three hundred people you don't know might also want to ride along!

India Shining?

living in modern india leaves one slightly out of breath; the nation cranes its neck to try and finish the race just in time; our cellphones, our cars, even our film stars have the "imported" veneer--the flashy, brand-new feel that makes things seem unreal much like the plastic smell that came of toys freshly unwrapped.

And while we strain every breath and every muscle to prove to the world that we are "modern"; that we get it, we are indeed "down with it," the rest of our population, the people who unfortunately were only oppressed and exploited in British India, those who never got a chance to learn the "global" language, those who do not know what "post colonial" means and maybe do not care while we, the middle-class, English medium school products whine about our cultural angst, those masses go on tilling and battling failing crops, killing themselves with mass suicide that is mentioned for ten minutes on national tv before another reporter prances around a film star's house trying to get a peek of what they will wear when she will marry another film star who is similarly besieged by reporters who want a peek at what he will wear...

it seems as a nation, we moved from the dark ages to a postmodernist existence without ever having a true enlightenment. a desire for truth and rationality, a moment when we evaluated the real worth of our morality, our conventionalities. we simply shifted gears into acknowledging the relative worth of everything we cannot explain as "tradition," gift-wrap our country as exotic, as a mish-mash of socio-temporal realities.

Totally like whatever, you know? by Taylor Mali

In case you hadn't noticed,
it has somehow become uncool
to sound like you know what you're talking about?
Or believe strongly in what you're saying?
Invisible question marks and parenthetical (you know?)'s
have been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren't, like, questions? You know?

Declarative sentences - so-called
because they used to, like, DECLARE things to be true
as opposed to other things which were, like, not -
have been infected by a totally hip
and tragically cool interrogative tone? You know?
Like, don't think I'm uncool just because I've noticed this;
this is just like the word on the street, you know?
It's like what I've heard?
I have nothing personally invested in my own opinions, okay?
I'm just inviting you to join me in my uncertainty?

What has happened to our conviction?
Where are the limbs out on which we once walked?
Have they been, like, chopped down
with the rest of the rain forest?
Or do we have, like, nothing to say?
Has society become so, like, totally . . .
I mean absolutely . . . You know?
That we've just gotten to the point where it's just, like . . .
whatever!

And so actually our disarticulation . . . ness
is just a clever sort of . . . thing
to disguise the fact that we've become
the most aggressively inarticulate generation
to come along since . . .
you know, a long, long time ago!

I entreat you, I implore you, I exhort you,
I challenge you: To speak with conviction.
To say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks
the determination with which you believe it.
Because contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker,
it is not enough these days to simply QUESTION AUTHORITY.
You have to speak with it, too.

vikram seth's ...

sit, drink your coffee here; your work can wait awhile.
you're twenty-six, and still have some of life ahead.
no need for wit; just talk vacuities, and i'll
reciprocate in kind, or laugh at you instead.

the world is too opaque, distressing and profound.
this twenty minutes' rendezvous will make my day:
to sit here in the sun, with grackles all around,
staring with beady eyes, and you two feet away.

Sharon Olds' "Sex Without Love"

How do they do it, the ones who make love

without love? Beautiful as dancers,

gliding over each other like ice-skaters

over the ice, fingers hooked

inside each other's bodies, faces

red as steak, wine, wet as the

children at birth whose mothers are going to

give them away. How do they come to the

come to the come to the God come to the

still waters, and not love

the one who came there with them, light

rising slowly as steam off their joined

skin? These are the true religious,

the purists, the pros, the ones who will not

accept a false Messiah, love the

priest instead of the God. They do not

mistake the lover for their own pleasure,

they are like great runners: they know they are alone

with the road surface, the cold, the wind,

the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-

vascular health--just factors, like the partner

in the bed, and not the truth, which is the

single body alone in the universe

against its own best time.

the encounter (an incomplete short story)

She looked at him for a while. Verbal bile rose in her throat, she swallowed it along with her urge to destroy the false shibboleth of ideas he was building out of his life. His voice droned on in the background while she sipped her tea with all the concentration she could muster. “I had my GRE the day she got married. I called her and she spoke to me as if everything was normal…as if…” He turned away to wipe his tears and she smothered the laughter rising from within by a violent bout of coughing.

green, blue and cigarette smoke

He lit another cigarette. She looked at him reprovingly. “You tempt me to smoke more than my quota.” The statement received an apologetic glance and smoke floated away into the still evening. “I should hook up with a man who has a car. Its hard to get around in this place without a car!” He looked shocked and said with a sigh that wasn’t too hard to interpret, “Women!”

I don’t know why I said it! Why do I want to be cruel?

She had hated his emails. They were pompous and studiedly literary. The kind of mails you wrote to heads of graduate programs if you wanted in – the kind that tripped from Kafka to Toni Morrison to Rushdie, the kind of mails that were a little out of breath with all that intellectual running around. Yet, she had written back. It was nothing more than a token of belonging; the false comfort of knowing, of comprehending and of being comprehended.

a shell of known realities, an experiential ghetto

She found his note tucked in the crevice between the door and its wooden frame. It said that he had come to meet her. It said that it was a long walk from his place to hers. It said that the airlines had lost his luggage. And it said that he was sorry to have missed her. She left him a note too. When she had returned his call and had similarly missed him, she had said that they were star-crossed.

an endless deferral of expectation

The waitress spoke much too fast. The syllables dropped from her lips and scattered in air before she could gather them into sense. Her response was calm and self-assured. She was irritated by the confusion in his eyes, a blatant mirror of her fear. She closed her order with a fake smile. She had been told to smile. “Always smile.” So she did, continuously and meaninglessly. Whenever her eyes met with a stranger on the road, the waitress at the table, the cashier at the supermarket, she footnoted her words with that smile. The space where she could have just comfortably ignored the other person was no longer available in this world filled with smiling strangers.

She stood near the telephone booth and pretended to look into the street. A car stopped at the light and the man driving it looked curiously at her forcing her into a realization that she hadn’t chosen a very appropriate place to stand and wait for her companion. He spoke to his mother as if he were a child of ten. He alternatively whimpered and giggled; he spoke loud enough so that she could hear him even if she stood at a discreet distance.

My mother is the most important woman in my life…even my wife will be second to her.

He was overjoyed when they had met because she shared his language. Accustomed to a metropolitan Babel, she had trouble participating in that enthusiasm; he spoke to her in their language so her friend could not follow a word of what he spoke. Her friend called him a cultural chauvinist and she remained silent.

Its almost as if he tries to create a private zone with you in it…

It was embarrassing to acknowledge him. Someone had whispered that he stank of cigarette smoke. Someone else had said that he was crazy. They were part of a sort of an orientation program. Everyone there was nice – it was mandatory to be nice, most were paid for it, for the others, it was the only interaction they had in that city and they didn’t want to fuck up. Close to three days, the strangers had formed a minor community, complete with its likes and dislikes, who it included and who it wanted to leave out. She was liked and included…

She avoided his gaze when he had asked her if she was angry. She had said, “of course not!” in that fake, high-pitched voice and turned away. She spoke on the phone for an hour as he waited for her to end her conversation. She was afraid to talk to him.